


The Ways of the Heart

by estriel



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Drama, Drama & Romance, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics, PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-02-26 14:29:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18718948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estriel/pseuds/estriel
Summary: One night during the PyeongChang Olympics changes everything and leaves Javi with questions he is not sure how to answer.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will be posted in chapters, but it's not a WIP, the chapters are all finished. (Just a note for those of you disinclined to reading WIPs, like I am sometimes.)

Javi isn't sure why he's doing this. He doesn't owe Yuzu anything – or well, he does, because he's almost sure that without Yuzu’s constant presence and competitive drive Javi wouldn't be here now, a freshly decorated Olympic Bronze Medalist. But objectively speaking, there is no reason for him to find himself trundling through the Olympic village just hours after the free skate, heading towards the hotel where Team Japan is lodging. He should be celebrating his own achievement instead of concerning himself with Yuzu.

Still, he feels like he should apologize for springing the news of his retirement like that, making Yuzu cry while the world was watching. And maybe, also, Javi doesn't want this to be their final interaction at the Olympics, a medal ceremony in the public eye. Not when they've become so distant over the past few months as they geared up for the Olympics. He owes Yuzu – and himself – that much.

"Javi?" Yuzu is surprised when he opens the door. He looks worn out, just as Javi feels. It's the inevitable down that strikes in the aftermath of a competition, after the adrenaline runs out and all the pumped up energy is spent.

"May I come in?" Javi asks, hesitant. It’s been a while since they hung out. Instead of answering, Yuzu just nudges the door further open and steps aside to let Javi through.

"Are you okay?" Yuzu asks and Javi wonders where the question comes from. After all, Javi has just captured his biggest dream, even if the medal was not necessarily the color he had secretly hoped for. He must look more tired than he thought.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he gives Yuzu a smile as he shrugs out of his jacket. It's warm inside the room. "I just wanted to come talk to you." He grabs one of the chairs and sits.

"Talk to me?" Yuzu's eyes widen a fraction. He sits down on the bed and Javi notices the ice pack lying on top of the sheets. Of course. Yuzu beat him even half broken. "About what?"

"I don't really know," Javi laughs nervously, then rubs his chin when Yuzu makes a face and he realizes how stupid that must have sounded. "Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for – for upsetting you. I should have told you about the retirement some other time, not like that."

"Ah. That was mean. You were bad," Yuzu says, but he doesn’t look angry about it. Then he pauses, eyes turning serious when he looks at Javi. He smiles a little sadly. "I meant it. I will miss Javi. Is hard training without you."

Javi bites his lip. Yuzu's always been very candid and the honest emotion, so boldly on display, makes Javi's chest tighten. He will miss Yuzu, too. "I'm sure you'll be okay."

"I know," Yuzu says, but there is a suspicious glint in his eyes. For all that he has mastered himself completely when he's on the ice, Yuzu has always been so full of emotions when he's not skating. Like there's not enough space for all of them inside his slender body.

"Damn," Javi curses under his breath. "I'm sorry, Yuzu. I didn't mean to – " He gives up, because words have never been their forte. Instead, he crosses the room over to the bed and sits down next to Yuzu. He wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him against his side. "Please don't cry."

"I'm not crying," Yuzu attempts to make his voice light, but it comes out half-choked. It's an old joke between them, ever since Javi's first World title, but it doesn't seem funny now.

Javi sighs, aching. It's always been like this between them – whatever Yuzu did, Javi felt it tug at his heart in ways he's not used to. "Yuzu, hey. You'll be fine. You don't need me to be – well, to be the greatest." There, he said it, even if it tastes a little bitter on his tongue. It is the truth. No matter how hard Javi chased Yuzu, he never truly could catch up.

Yuzu looks up and there is pain in his expression, more of it than Javi expected, more than would be likely over losing a training partner, even a friend. "I can be greatest," Yuzu says, unapologetic as always about his self-confidence. "I'm not sure I can be happy."

Javi stares at him. The piercing eyes that seem to look into his very soul. The tears rolling down Yuzu's cheeks. The way his bottom lip trembles as he draws an unsteady breath.

Before he realizes what he's doing, what he's feeling and why, Javi leans forward and carefully brushes his lips against Yuzu's.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With that first kiss, something Javi has been holding at bay for years finally erupts and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

If he’s being honest with himself, Javi thinks he should have known. Maybe he _had_ known, but simply didn’t dare truly think of it. That this was always a possibility, an unspoken, disregarded one that lay dormant for years, because they were always competitors, always had to be cautious with one another.

Now the competition is over, truly over, and as Yuzu’s lips part under his with a quiet gasp, Javi feels that possibility unfold like a blossom, both beautiful and terrifying.

He didn’t expect this. How Yuzu’s mouth would slot against his with such ease, how it would make Javi’s heart race to feel the tip of a tongue slide over his lip, then dip inside. He didn’t expect this, but it doesn’t matter, because Yuzu is tipping his head back for a deeper kiss and Javi’s hands find their way to the nape of his neck, the motion practiced, because he’s done that countless times, placed his palm just below Yuzu’s hairline with a gentle caress.

It should have been obvious to Javi that this was, perhaps, not just a possibility but an inevitability.

Yuzu moans into his mouth and Javi’s pulse jumps. He knows he should not do this – he has a life to start elsewhere, a _girlfriend_ , plans that most certainly don’t involve Yuzu. But he does it anyway, pushing at Yuzu’s shoulders to tip him back onto the bed, tumbling on top of him, because now that he’s had a taste, he needs more. He needs it all. It’s like something that he’s been holding at bay for years finally erupts, floodgates open, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

He only pauses when they’re both naked, entangled on the bed, gasping for breath. Yuzu’s looking at him with lust-blown eyes, palm against Javi’s heaving chest to try and contain the storm, asking: “Have you done this before?”

Javi hasn’t and he hasn’t got a clue what he should be doing next. He has had sex with several women, even exchanged a few blow– and handjobs with guys. But he’s never done _this_.

He shakes his head.

“Do you want to?” Yuzu asks and Javi knows that if he hesitates now, if he expresses doubt, Yuzu will stop, regardless of how much he himself may want this.

“Yes,” Javi breathes, because _dios_ , he does. He lets his eyes rake over the body under him, so familiar and yet not, and he realizes that maybe he always had wanted this, constantly finding excuses to touch, embrace, hold.

His quick answer seems to satisfy Yuzu. “Drawer by the bed,” he nods towards the bedside table and Javi rolls off of him to open it, ignoring the box with the medal that sits on top. Inside the drawer, he finds a bunch of condoms – wrapped in PyeongChang purple, they are the official ones the cheerful volunteers handed out to every of-age athlete prior to the Games – and a small bottle of lube.

Javi pauses, the stab of jealousy as unexpected as it is real. Yuzu has clearly come prepared and Javi doesn’t believe it was for him. He pushes the thought away, though, because it’s almost too much to bear, imagining who else may have been allowed to touch Yuzu like this.

Yuzu’s sitting up now and he holds out his hand for the bottle. Javi hands it to him before sidling close again.

“Lie down,” Yuzu tells him and Javi does as he’s told, grateful for the direction and, also, aroused by the confidence. Yuzu comes to straddle his thighs, careful not to jostle his right ankle too much as he lowers himself. He unscrews the bottle and shakes out some of the content into his cupped palm.

“Will take a moment,” he says, almost shyly, eyes downcast and hair falling into his face. There’s a slight flush all over his chest and shoulders. He’s beautiful. He always has been, Javi realizes. Javi just never put it into words inside his head, even as he spent months – years – stealing glances at Yuzu during their shared practice, the long lean lines of his figure, the way he moved across the ice.

Then Yuzu reaches around himself and all thought escapes Javi. He stares, transfixed by the slender finger disappearing inside, bit by bit. Yuzu stills, draws a shaky breath, then settles into stillness for a brief moment before he adds another finger. His lips part, a perfect pink ‘o’, and Javi has seen that expression before, in mid-performance, but that was acted, while this is real. He can’t tear his eyes away. 

“Can I – can I do it?” he whispers a few heartbeats later. His fingers curl into the sheets, twitching with the need to touch, to feel all of Yuzu.

Yuzu opens his eyes a fraction and makes a small, strained sound in his throat, like he wants to give Javi everything he asks for. Then he seems to change his mind. “Almost done,” he says. “Maybe next time?” The way Yuzu says it, wistfulness taking over for a brief moment, reminds Javi of the truth they are both aware of – that there probably isn’t going to be a next time.

“Okay,” he whispers, but his disappointment evaporates the moment Yuzu adds a third finger, a deep, rough moan escaping from his throat as he does so. Javi reaches out and runs his palms down Yuzu’s thighs, fascinated by the flexing muscles as Yuzu moves against his own hand, momentarily lost to the world.

Then Yuzu stops and looks at Javi as he frees his hand and wipes it on the bedsheets. “Ready?” he asks and Javi almost snorts, because shouldn’t _he_ be asking that question. Still, he nods silently, not trusting his voice.

Yuzu climbs off, lying down against Javi’s side to press a gentle kiss to Javi’s lips, while his hand travels down to give Javi’s erection an experimental stroke. It’s just a brush of fingers, but it sends sparks up Javi’s spine.

“How do you want me?” Yuzu murmurs quietly and Javi would almost fall for the act of coyness if it wasn’t for the slight upward twist of his mouth. He knows what he is doing to Javi.

_I don’t care_ , Javi wants to reply, _just let me have you, all of you_.

“I don’t – I don’t know,” he stammers instead, because he really doesn’t. He may have fantasized about this, imagining faceless bodies moving against one another, but this is Yuzu, this is different. Except… the faceless bodies of his fantasies always happened to have the same build, the same dark hair.

“Hm,” Yuzu hums, then moves away from Javi’s side. Javi sits up to watch as Yuzu turns his back at him and sits back on his heels. Javi gets a second to admire the smooth planes of his back, only a few freckles scattered across pale skin. Then Yuzu rises up on all fours, arms stretched forward, back arched like a cat’s. “Like this?”

The sight makes Javi’s mouth water, his mind suddenly reeling with images of his fingers gripping those hips, pulling them close and –

It doesn’t feel quite right, though. “No,” Javi finds himself saying, reaching out to run a hand down Yuzu’s spine, noting the goosebumps that rise in its wake. “Not – not like that,” he says and Yuzu looks back at him over his shoulder, puzzled. “I need to see you,” Javi blurts out.

He doesn’t want another faceless fantasy, even though it probably would be easier that way. He could just call this a random one-night stand and be done with it. But Javi knows that that is unlikely to be the case, regardless of position.

Yuzu sits back up, swivels around to face Javi, eyes on his, and Javi almost regrets his decision, because he knows getting that heated look out of his mind will be impossible. Yuzu kisses him, fingers at Javi’s chin to deepen the kiss, every trace of coyness gone now. When they part, he reaches for the condom, takes it out of its wrapper and rolls it down over Javi. The lube comes next and it’s a sensual mixture of cool liquid and warm hands as Yuzu coats him in it, taking longer than strictly necessary, Javi suspects.

Then Yuzu smiles, observing his handiwork for a moment, and lies down on his back, knees bent and thighs dropping open for Javi. “Come to me,” he beckons and Javi does. He has, hasn’t he, been coming to Yuzu for years, step by step, even though he couldn’t know, couldn’t suspect that the journey would lead them here, to this moment.

“Go slow, “ Yuzu gives an unexpectedly nervous laugh and Javi can suddenly see past the veneer of confidence. How much experience does Yuzu actually have? He nods, though – as if he would ever consider anything but handling him with utmost care.

Slowly, he guides himself in, watching Yuzu for signs of discomfort. He finds none, just quiet concentration. Yuzu’s eyes are but black crescents, eyelashes resting gently against pale skin as he takes deep breaths and holds onto Javi’s shoulder.

Then, finally, Javi is all the way in and it’s the best thing he’s ever felt, the tight heat, but mostly the impossible intimacy of this – Yuzu, all around him, his body taut with anticipation.

It’s like something inside Javi slots itself into place, a piece he hadn’t even suspected was out of alignment all this time. Suddenly, as he closes his eyes and just lets himself feel, he is not sure what life is going to be like after this, without Yuzu, and how he’s going to bear it.

“You can move, Javi.” Yuzu’s voice snaps him back to reality and when he looks down, he finds a gentle, encouraging smile on Yuzu’s face.

He shifts his hips carefully, limiting his movements, even as his body is begging him for more.

“More,” Yuzu demands, lifting his hips and snapping them up against Javi’s, impatient.

Javi groans and allows himself to let go of the cautious control he’s been maintaining – for Yuzu’s sake or that of his own sanity, he’s not sure.

He thought it might be awkward, uncoordinated, but it’s none of that as they fall into a rhythm, moving together. Javi’s muscles are beginning to scream at him – he did skate a free tonight, after all – but he doesn’t care, because Yuzu is writhing beneath him, strong thighs wrapped around his waist as Javi fucks him.

“So long, Javi, so long, so long, so long,” Yuzu cries and threads his fingers into Javi’s hair, gripping tight enough to hurt. Tears spill from his eyes and Javi almost stops, momentarily scared.

“Don’t stop,” Yuzu hisses, his other hand landing on Javi’s ass with a resounding slap as he pulls him impossibly closer, deeper.

Yuzu locks gazes with Javi then and starts speaking, low, husky Japanese interrupted here and there by sharp intakes of breath whenever Javi hits an angle that seems to particularly please Yuzu.

Javi doesn’t understand anything but his name, which is scattered through the foreign syllables every so often, but the intensity of it speaks volumes, tearing at something deep inside him. He regrets he has never learned the language. Or maybe it is better than he cannot guess the content of Yuzu’s words, because even like this, what they may mean scares him. Javi is afraid that if he understood, if he knew the truth behind them, he might not be able to walk away from this, from Yuzu.

The stream of breathy Japanese dies down as Yuzu spasms in Javi’s arms, suddenly silent but for one last half-sobbed word, his voice breaking around it. “Javi,” Yuzu whimpers and comes, clawing at Javi’s back like a drowning man. He tips Javi over the edge with him and Javi has to screw his eyes shut against the onslaught of sensation, but the images are there, burned into his brain where they will haunt him forever.

And if Yuzu’s name falls from his mouth, over and over and over like a prayer while he’s shuddering with the force of his orgasm, it’s only fair. Because no matter how Javi may have tried to deny it, everything has always been about him, these past seven years. Yuzu.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, what happens next?” Javi asks, long moments later. Maybe Yuzu can take this burden from him, end it all with a well-placed blunt word.

It’s not what Javi expected, after. Not like a one-night stand, though of course this wasn’t, could never be one. None of the awkward lying side by side in the tangled sheets until one party finally gets up and flees. It would have been stupid to expect that, anyway, because things with Yuzu have never been that simple. There have always been feelings.

Now as he lies there, naked and spent and somehow more complete, the scent of sex clinging to his every pore, the feelings he’s battled for so long are dangerously close to the surface. The urge to pull Yuzu close and hold him is irresistible, and so he does it, letting Yuzu settle against his side, head pillowed on Javi’s chest. It almost feels more intimate even than the sex had, but Javi cannot imagine any other way. He brushes his fingers through Yuzu’s hair.

“Have you had many lovers before?” he asks after a while, drowsy and losing his filters. Not exactly what you ask the person you’ve just slept with. He wants to smack himself.

Yuzu chuckles – Javi can feel the soft huff of amusement against his skin. “Two,” he says, unconcerned and unashamed. He has no reason to feel bad about it, of course. He can’t know about the ugly beast that rears its head inside Javi at this revelation. It’s stupid, Javi knows. He has no right to be jealous of someone who was never truly his to begin with. Still...

“Just two nights,” Yuzu corrects and that is easier to bear. Javi unclenches his fist – and when had that happened?!

“Want to know truth?” Yuzu asks. He starts doodling something onto Javi with the tip of his finger, lazy circles on Javi’s stomach.

Javi nods.

“Felt good, first two times,” Yuzu confides, a mischievous little smile on his face. Of course it felt good, Javi thinks. It’s sex. It usually does, unless something goes horribly wrong. “Felt good, but not right.” Yuzu lifts his head to look at him. “Until now.”

 

Javi can’t breathe. “Third time’s the charm?” he offers weakly, blinking rapidly. The treacherous tear slides out anyway. Yuzu sees it and leans closer to catch it with his lips, kissing it away.

“I’m so sorry.” Even as the rushed words leave his mouth, Javi knows they are inadequate. It’s stupid to apologize for what they just did and there are no words strong enough to make up for all the things Javi knows he can’t give Yuzu. “I shouldn’t have – I feel like I’ve taken advantage of you.”

Yuzu frowns, then pushes himself up onto an elbow, hovering over Javi. He places a finger over Javi’s lips, shushing him. His expression is serious, if fond.

“I’m not little boy, Javi. Do you think I’m incapable of making decisions or saying no?”

Javi nods, chastised, because of course Yuzu is right. “Not to me,” he still jokes stupidly, as always seeking to alleviate the tension, saying the first thing that comes to his mind. Yuzu’s expression freezes, the warmth in his eyes replaced by something inscrutable.

“I’m not an idiot, Javi,” Yuzu says. “Is not like I don’t understand the – _situation_. I still say yes, because… I didn’t think I would ever get this much,” he finishes, averting his eyes.

He looks so vulnerable all of a sudden that Javi wishes he could throw all caution to the wind and be whatever Yuzu needs, or wants.

“Can’t win all the time.” It’s a quiet murmur, so quiet Javi thinks he’s not supposed to hear it, but he does. He feels the tears spill in abundance now, sliding hotly over his face. Defeat is not a good look on Yuzu, Javi has always hated it, even when it meant gold for him. He hates it twice as much now.

But even so, even when he is not a winner, Yuzu is still a _conquistador_ , Javi thinks, running his hands down Yuzu’s spine, soothing – himself as much as Yuzu. Javi knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that this – this night, this conquest, the culmination of whatever has been going on between them – will wreak destruction upon him sooner or later.

Still, as Yuzu curls up against him once again, Javi thinks that maybe it was worth the price he’ll have to pay. Yuzu’s hair smells of something fresh, lemons, and some herb perhaps. Javi inhales the scent, willing himself to remember it.

“So, what happens next?” Javi asks, long moments later. Maybe Yuzu can take this burden from him, end it all with a well-placed blunt word, break the uncertainty.

“I think Javi must answer that,” Yuzu says instead.

Javi is silent. His heart is hammering so hard inside his chest that he thinks Yuzu would notice even if he weren’t resting his cheek against Javi’s skin.

“I don’t know,” he says eventually. It is the truth. There are his plans for his post-competitive life, there’s Marina, and there is the impossibility of this, him and Yuzu, actually being anything more than what they have been in the past. He doesn’t know what to think, let alone do. Whatever he does, someone will get hurt.

Yuzu only nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, so I will be posting the next one soon after, hopefully. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi returns to Spain and he is doing well. Or so he tells himself.

Javi is so busy when he returns first to Toronto, then to Spain – the past seven years of his life packed into boxes and shipped Madrid-ward, minus Effie, whom he carts along in a transporter on the plane – that he manages to somehow push the thoughts of Yuzu and the night they spent together to the very back of his mind.

It’s like now that he’s brought home a medal from a winter Games – a rare feat for a Spaniard – everyone wants a piece of him. He does interviews, appears on talk shows, starts putting together the show he’s always dreamed of doing in his country. He doesn’t have the time to dwell on thoughts.

It’s usually at night, or early in the morning when he wakes up only to realize that he doesn’t have to get up for practice anymore, that his mind gets the better of him.

He thinks back to how, after dozing off in the afterglow of their first coupling, he woke up some time later to find the craving for the man next to him had not abated. In retrospect, Javi thinks he should have left the first time he woke up with Yuzu still soundly asleep next to him. Instead, he watched him for long minutes, intrigued by the way sleep softened his features, making him look vulnerable. And when Yuzu stirred and opened his eyes, then smiled to find Javi there, Javi kissed him again, and again. Now he’s got memories of Yuzu’s perfect mouth wrapped around him, black eyes searing, and more: of Yuzu sitting in his lap, setting a tantalizing rhythm that kept Javi quivering at the brink of orgasm for what seemed like forever.

The images are vivid, too vivid, and as he recalls the way Yuzu smelled and moved and tasted, Javi often has to slip out of bed, careful not to disturb Marina, and head to the bathroom to either take a cold shower, or succumb to the temptation, close his eyes and pretend it’s not his hand sliding against his skin.

In general, though, Javi thinks he is doing well at moving past this. It helped that the gala in PyeongChang had been so _normal_ – games and hugs and hilarity. Business as usual, except maybe for a slight hint of nostalgia already creeping in. It had cleared his mind, made him think that maybe they could go back to being friends after this. That maybe this really was just something they had both needed to get out of their systems, a culmination of years of pent-up tension. That is the version of events that Javi tries to convince himself of, even as he jerks off in the bathroom to memories of Yuzu’s moans – he’s sure that these early morning sessions, just aftershocks of the quake that was that one night, will eventually pass, too. Javi is doing well.

Just how _not well_ he is doing becomes painfully obvious by the time Fantasy on Ice rolls around. The practices and shows are fine. They play, they skate, they hold hands like it’s nothing. But sometimes when he passes Yuzu in the darkened corridor leading off the ice, or when they are walking back from an outing with the rest of the cast, trailing slightly behind, just the two of them, the urge to push Yuzu up against a wall and make that mouth his own – just once more – is overwhelming.

He doesn’t do it, though. He doesn’t and Yuzu doesn’t, even though Javi catches glances filled with the same kind of longing he feels inside his own gut.

Instead, Javi lies awake at night and wonders – who Yuzu’s been with, before him. Javi is nearly sure he knows them, and the idea nearly drives him crazy as he analyzes every interaction unfolding before his eyes now, wondering if maybe it’s one of the skaters on the cast. Stéphane, who everyone knows is partial to dark-haired men, and whom Yuzu treats with warmth that almost parallels the affection he’s always displayed towards Javi? Or Misha, whom Yuzu considers a close friend – wouldn’t he have been the perfect candidate for a first time? Or perhaps Luca, with that stupid Italian charm that rivals Javi’s own?

Javi hates himself. Still, he pushes it all away during the day, so that he can enjoy the moments of bubbly laughter as Yuzu falls into his arms for an embrace on the ice, and the joy of moving side by side, skating, as if nothing has changed.

He calls Marina daily, in the lull between practice and performance, just as promised, and hates himself even more.

By the time the tour is over, Javi is exhausted, wound up, and afraid that his life is about to become a trainwreck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a drowsy summer, the new season begins... and Javi's heart and guilt catch up with him.

Summer has always been his favorite season. It's strange, for a figure skater, but Javi is also a proud Madrileño, born and bred in the blistering heat of Spanish sun. He missed _proper_ summers when he was in Toronto.

This is the first summer since his childhood that he has truly off – or rather, off from the grind of new choreography and building up stamina for yet another season. There is other work to be done, of course. He teaches at a summer skating school, helping the little ones work towards doubles, triples. Their joy at finally landing a coveted new jump for the very first time under his tutelage is infectious, and at the end of each day, Javi leaves the ice rink feeling as satisfied as if he had just won a medal.

He spends his afternoons catching up with friends and family, delighting in the fact that he can now make plans for a drink a couple hours in advance instead of – well, months. And as he and Marina curl up on the couch in the evenings, with Effie purring softly and affectionately clawing at his thigh, Javi realizes that he is _content_.

He has a good thing here. He can imagine his life continuing like this. He would build his skating school in Madrid, close to all the people he holds dear... Not really all, of course – the thought of his Canadian second family surfaces and, hard on its heels, thoughts of Yuzu. But close enough – many people he loves are here.

He could do this. Settle. Choose sensibility over whatever a part of his heart has been screaming for. Spend his life with Marina, because she is good for him. She makes him feel calm, like he’s bathing in soothingly warm water. If Yuzu is a shard of glass, sharp edges tearing at Javi's heart, Marina is like that same glass smoothed over by the sea, soft and beautiful, a treasure he can hold in the palm of his hand without fear of getting cut. It would work. But sometimes, Javi wonders if maybe he needs to bleed.

When the new season rolls around, it becomes harder to ignore that itch, that craving that ignited inside him in PyeongChang, or even earlier. It's not just the ice calling to him, though a part of him aches for that, too – the thrill of competition. It's watching as Yuzu comes out with his new programs, as powerful as ever, if not more so. Javi feels like a moth drawn to a flame, all of a sudden.

There is a new drive in Yuzu that surprises him. Javi had almost expected that, after two Olympic titles, Yuzu would mellow out, lighten up. Instead, there is a new darkness, a maturity, and Javi can't help but fall under its spell.

It makes it harder for Javi, stifling almost, to stay inside his content little bubble when he watches that fierce passion unfold on the ice. Suddenly, the past several months of his life seem hollow, like he has spent them in limbo. He watches Yuzu skate, the dark gaze used to intimidate whoever dares stand in Yuzu's way to victory, and remembers what it felt like to have those eyes on him. What it felt like to be alive, truly, painfully, incredibly alive.

No matter how many times he tells himself it's not a good idea, a treacherous part of him constantly wants more than what he has now.

*

The guilt he's managed to mostly suppress after PyeongChang, and after Fantasy on Ice – telling himself that it was just one night, just that one night – begins to gnaw at him with frightening intensity as he spends day after day craving Yuzu's presence.

Finally, when he's getting ready for his three weeks in Toronto in preparation for Europeans, Javi can't take it anymore. Marina is helping him fold his clothes, because even after all these years of constant travel, Javi is still useless when it comes to packing – or rather, he is too lazy to bother with neatness. Usually, everything he brings on a trip arrives full of wrinkles, except for his costumes, neat in their garment bags.  
He watches Marina’s small hands smooth out a shirt, carefully laying it out before she folds it to a perfect square.

"Do you remember that night in PyeongChang, after the free skating?" he forces himself to say. His stomach feels like a snake pit.

Marina looks up, a fond smile on her face. "Of course I do. You said you'd come kiss me good night and then got so drunk in the Olympic Village that you couldn't even find your phone to text me," she chuckles as she repeats the lie Javi had told her by way of excusing his broken promise. "I still haven't entirely forgiven you," she teases, even though Javi knows she has. She hadn't even been truly mad to begin with, when he first came to apologize.

Javi wishes Marina wasn't so damn nice.

"I was with Yuzu," he says. "That night. I'm sorry."

"Oh?" she lifts an eyebrow, then smiles. "It's okay, baby. I didn't know that he drinks, but the two of you had a lot to celebrate. A lot to talk about, too, I bet, what with it being your last competition together."

Javi squeezes his eyes shut for a second. "No – I... We – I slept with him."

Marina's smile slides off her face, replaced by consternation. She stares at him for a few heartbeats, mouth agape, as she grapples for words.

"Javi..." she whispers and covers her mouth with her hand. Then: "Are you gay?"

"No, I'm not – " Javi begins, then changes direction when he concludes that that’s hardly true. "Well, bisexual, I suppose."

Slowly, Marina nods. She sits down on the bed, hands folded in her lap. "Was it just that one time?" she then asks, looking up at him.

"Yes," Javi says, relieved. This, at least, is a mitigating factor, he thinks. Maybe Marina will not hate him completely.

She studies him in silence and Javi thinks he's weathered the worst of it. Then she opens her mouth again. "Would you do it again?"

Javi's whole being seizes up. _Yes._ Yes, he would. He's been thinking of little else, these past several weeks. Not just sex, but the simple happiness that seeing Yuzu, hugging him, would bring about. The need to comfort, encourage, hold him that has been driving him mad since Yuzu's re-injury at Rostelecom Cup.

As the silence stretches out between them, Marina's face begins to crumple when she realizes that the answer is not what she had hoped for. Finally, she gets up and leaves the room, a single tear sliding down her cheek.

It hurts to watch the door fall shut behind her. But as it does, a part of Javi – a disgusting, abominable part – feels something akin to relief.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi returns to Toronto to train for Europeans.

_'Don't come back to me unless you're serious about us_.' Javi re-reads the message for the hundredth time as he waits to board his flight to Canada. Judging by the time-stamp, Marina must have sent it in the middle of the night.

Javi suddenly feels guilty about his night of fairly decent sleep as he imagines her lying awake, probably crying her eyes out. Being an athlete has taught him to fall asleep wherever, whenever, regardless of the level of stress – he only remembers a few instances of not being able to get adequate rest. Before his first Olympics. After the 2017 short program at Worlds, lying in first place and feeling the pressure like a physical weight on his shoulders. In PyeongChang, the night after _THE_ night, when he stared at the ceiling as his guilt battled it out with the intense lust he was still being racked by, 24 hours later. Thinking back, he realizes that he has felt guilt, loads of it, but never regret. His night with Yuzu had been too good to regret, Yuzu too precious.

Even now, as he settles down inside the plane, reads Marina's message once more, and remembers the ugly scene he's leaving behind, he realizes he still doesn't feel regret. Even if he had the chance to go back and change the past, he wouldn't. Javi sighs, wondering whether he should respond to Marina's message, what to even say. In the end, he just closes his eyes and switches his phone to airplane mode.

*

As worried and upset as he may have been during the plane ride, Javi still passes out the moment he makes it to his temporary AirBnB rental in Toronto. No new messages await him, not even the next day, and Javi decides to let things go for now. And when he steps inside the Cricket Club and catches a glimpse of a familiar black-clad figure out on the ice, all thoughts of Marina and his life back in Spain fly right out of his head, anyway.

He breathes in the well-known scent of ice, takes in the bustle of the cafeteria behind its glass panelling, leans down to take off his blade guards. Home, he thinks. This is what home feels like, still.

Then Yuzu catches sight of him. He stops mid-motion, a stunt anyone else – anyone but the hardest, craziest worker at the club – would get scolded for by Tracy. The smile that spills across his face is like the sun rising after a long dark night and Javi doesn't understand how he ever thought he had seen beauty until this moment. He lets the joy in his heart take over, allows it to propel him forward as if he was pulled by invisible strings. He steps onto the ice and pushes off. He vaguely registers Gabby's squeal of ' _Javiii'_ in the background, but then Yuzu's slamming into him, arms around his neck in a tight grip. The full-blown bodycheck nearly makes Javi stumble – there's more mass to Yuzu than he remembers, the new bulk Javi had noticed on TV suddenly very real – but he catches himself and somehow manages to stay upright. His arms wrap around Yuzu's back, holding him close as he buries his nose into the side of Yuzu's neck.

_Yes_. It’s not a thought, but rather his whole being breathing out in relief at the rightness of having Yuzu in his arms.

He only has time to look at Yuzu for a brief moment as they pull apart, caressing the nape of his neck in a gesture that comes so naturally after all these years. Then the others are on them, clamoring for his attention and demanding hugs of their own. Even Tracy comes to embrace him, seemingly undisturbed by the fact that her stroking lesson has just completely fallen apart.

“Welcome home,” she tells him as she pulls him into her embrace. Javi can’t stop smiling.

*

The training is even more gruelling than Javi remembers. He's not sure whether he's just slightly more out of shape than he expected, or whether he simply forgot how hard it was to do this on a daily basis. The first several days, he almost crawls back to his AirBnB on all fours each evening. His entire body hurts, even muscles that he didn't think could possibly hurt, and he almost wants to quit.

Almost. Because whenever he's ready to give up, thinking that he just can't do it anymore, Yuzu is there, as always, pushing himself harder than Javi has ever seen him do, working until he's drenched in sweat and – from what Javi can tell – on the verge of tears. He doesn't need to try to beat Yuzu anymore, but seeing the unrelenting dedication with which Yuzu goes about his training helps Javi keep going, too.

He’s so exhausted the first few days of this – both physically and mentally – that anything but making it through each day and into his bed at night becomes extraneous. He lets his eyes trail after Yuzu in the brief respites between jump drills and endless run-throughs of his step sequences, but that is the only distraction he allows himself.

It takes a while, but eventually, his body gets used to the old drill again. He still aches and there is a deeper pain, one that seems to reside inside his bones, that lets Javi know that it truly is time to retire, after this one last stint. But as the first week draws towards its end, he finds he can still walk at the end of each day. He can still think. And when he’s finally not expending every last ounce of energy on skating, his elation at being here – with Yuzu within sight and reach – returns in full force.

Javi tries to tell himself that maybe he shouldn’t act on the attraction, or on the feeling that has been growing inside his chest with every smile, every glance. Javi tries to resist, but he is almost sure he is doomed to fail. The day he walks into the locker room to find Yuzu already half out of his training gear is the day he knows for sure his fate is sealed.

The past several days, Yuzu either left before Javi was done with his session, or he stayed longer, running through steps as if his life depended on it. Today, he is there, though, almost as if he was waiting for Javi. He’s bare-chested and Javi’s eyes instantly snap to the expanse of skin, the small dark circles of his nipples, before they continue to Yuzu’s slender fingers as they work on unpeeling the tape holding his heart-rate monitor in place.

Javi stands there for a moment and just stares, stupid with the need to touch Yuzu. Yuzu notices him and looks up with a small smile on his face that Javi cannot decipher.

“I’ve missed you so much,” is the first thing Javi says and certainly not what he had intended to say. Then his legs are carrying him forward, closer, and he wraps Yuzu in an embrace.

It’s so unlike their first kiss, back in PyeongChang, when their lips meet now. Where back then there had been a mad urgency, the rushing of adrenaline in his veins, and the knowledge that everything would end with that one night, there is none of that now. The kiss is tender, soft, and full of promise, like the first bud of a bloom opening in spring. Javi sighs into the kiss and revels in the simple rightness that floods him with warmth, head to toe. He feels Yuzu melt into his arms in response.

It is too short, though, too little, before Yuzu pulls away, gently pressing against Javi’s shoulders to put at least a bit of distance between them. His face is suddenly serious, in stark contrast to the lovely flush across his cheeks and the pink glisten of his lips.

“Javi, we can’t – I can’t –“ he starts saying, even though his body is telling another story. He’s still so close, clutching at Javi’s shoulders with his fingers.

“Why?” Javi breathes, confused.

Yuzu closes his eyes with a sigh. “Have you found your answer? What happens next?” Yuzu looks at him once again and this time there’s that intensity that Javi knows so well, one that allows no evasion, no escape. “What do you _want_ , Javi, what do you really want?” His grip tightens almost painfully.

Javi stares at him, taken aback. But Yuzu has always been like this, hasn’t he? Intense, always almost _too much_. It’s part of the charm, part of what has kept Javi fired up all these years, and certainly a large part of the reason why he is here, now, craving Yuzu in ways he had not allowed himself to even think of until PyeongChang. It also scares Javi.

Yuzu must see his hesitation, the silent gulp Javi takes, because he lets his hands drop from Javi’s shoulders. He exhales heavily.

“I can’t do this,” he then says. “At the Olympics, I thought I could, for the one night. You made me _so happy,_ Javi, for a night.” Javi sees Yuzu’s hands twitch, as if he wanted to curl them into fists but stopped himself. “But I can’t. Not like this. I can’t be – a _second choice._ I like to win, Javi.” A bitter laugh, because that is the truth, it has always been the truth. It has always been all or nothing with Yuzu. It’s what makes him what he is, the absolute champion.

“Yuzu, I’m – “ Javi starts, even though he’s not really sure what he wants to say. Anything, anything that would stop the awful pain he can read in Yuzu now, in the way he sets his shoulders as if he was steeling himself for battle. Anything, Javi realizes, but the one thing that would actually fix things. Because Javi is terrified. Terrified of what it would mean to give up everything he’s ever known, the way he thought his future would unfold, for this new and hazy vision of a future where he and Yuzu are a possibility.

“I can’t do halfway. Not even for you.” The words fall with the finality of a guillotine and Javi knows there’s nothing he can do, not unless he decides to take the leap.

Yuzu looks at him one final time, searching, and the flicker of hope in his eyes breaks Javi’s heart. Javi stays silent – _I can’t, I can’t, I can’t_ playing over and over in his head like a broken record. He watches the hope wither, the last memory of spring ripped away by sudden frost.

Then Yuzu is pulling on his clothes – t-shirt, sweater, his coat – and marching out of the locker room without a glance back.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi is saying his many goodbyes.

The rest of his time in Toronto is a blur of numbness, of pounding his body into perfection once again, not thinking, just skating, training, falling on jumps he should not be falling on, only to get up and do it again.

Yuzu must have asked Brian to change his schedule, because he is barely there when Javi is on the ice. Sometimes Javi catches a glimpse of him, already leaving when Javi is coming in, head held high and a solemn expression on his face. Javi sees how he’s still favoring his left leg as he walks, apparently saving his ankle for ice and ice only, and he wishes he could take that pain away, at least, if he can’t bring himself to eliminate the one he’s caused.

Yuzu greets him when they happen to pass each other in the hallway, says hi with a gentle smile and a nod of his head, but he doesn’t stop. Javi is both miserable and grateful for the distance Yuzu has created between them, because it’s easier that way.

When they hug, the last day of Javi’s stay in Toronto, it’s in front of everybody. Still, Javi clings on too long, wondering when – if ever – he’ll get to hold Yuzu again. Wondering if he is brave enough, if he will ever be brave enough for this man. And when Yuzu brings their foreheads together for a brief touch, mimicking a move that has always been Javi’s during all these years they have shared, Javi can’t help but feel like this is a goodbye.

*

Javi is not sure how he manages to win at Europeans. He’s numb and empty, with nothing but skating to fill the void. Marina is not there, of course she’s not, and Yuzu hasn’t reached out to him, either, breaking their year-long tradition of exchanging brief well-wishes for competitions where they are not pitted against one another.

He skates his programs in a daze, running on muscle memory and sheer stubborn conviction that this title is his to take, just one more time. The moment the cameras are off him, he cries, relieved and glad and like he’s finally wrapped up a part of his life. When they hang the gold around his neck, it feels like a consolation prize, though, because Javi knows that the real gold, the real life, is still out there for the taking.

His exhibition brings tears to his eyes, not because it is the last time, but because he can’t help but think of Yuzu with every move. He may not have realized it at the time, not consciously, but the program has been created with Yuzu in mind, with little nods to Yuzu’s style scattered throughout – the Ina Bauer, the delayed open jumps. Javi wonders if Yuzu is watching. He wonders if he understands that this is not only a goodbye to Javi’s career, but first and foremost to him.

He buys the ring on a whim. He’s aimlessly wandering the streets of Minsk at dusk when the glittering shop window catches his eye. He’s not sure if it’s even going to fit, but it seems suitable, a single diamond set on a delicate band of white gold – isn’t that just what girls want? Isn’t that  _ serious _ enough?

*

A month and a half later, Javi still has the box tucked in the back of a drawer, behind unruly rows of sloppily folded t-shirts. He thought he could do it, come back to Marina and be done with it, like ripping off a bandaid. As it turns out, things are not that easy. Not when he still wakes up nearly every morning with his head swimming with memories of yet another dream that leaves Javi hollow and aching.

The dreams are always different, a million scenarios played out beneath his eyelids, but one thing always remains the same: Yuzu, stunningly beautiful and always there, always a piercing reminder of just what Javi is giving up on.

He drinks sometimes when he feels like his head can’t take it anymore. Never too much – Javi is not stupid – but enough to take the edge off, to give him some calm.

When he finally decides he’s going to do it and propose – tomorrow, tomorrow – Javi suddenly wants to drink  _ too much _ , though. He invites Laura over instead, counting on his older sister to be the rock she’s always been, to keep him in check should he lose his mind and attempt to drown his sorrows in liquor.

After two glasses of wine, Javi shows her the box. Laura takes it and clicks it open, staring at the ring for a moment before she hands it back without a word. She’s not smiling. Laura knows him. And she knows Marina wasn’t there at Europeans, even though that had been the plan. Javi has a feeling Laura didn’t buy his lie about Marina being sick.

The question slips out before Javi can think about it too much. “Do you think that maybe I am settling? Choosing the easy way out?”

Laura blinks at him. “Settling? What do you mean?”

Javi draws a breath. “Do you think it’s possible to love two people at the same time?” He knows it doesn’t ring true the moment he says it out loud. “To love them… in different ways. Or maybe, I don’t know. Love someone in your heart, but know in your head that there is another option. An easier option?” He hangs his head and plays with the velvety box, tossing it from one hand to the other.

Laura nearly chokes on her drink. She sets it down on the coffee table.

“Javi, what is this about? You and Marina have been together for quite a while. Have you met someone now? Is this something new?”

Javi lets out a strained chuckle. “It is not new,” he says. Oh, the irony. “It has been  _ years _ in the making, really. I just – I think I didn’t even realize.”

He glances down at the bracelet he hasn’t taken off in years, black cord with a single deep-blue bead.  _ Power bracelet _ , Yuzu had called it all these years ago, nodding solemnly when he gifted it to Javi.  _ Good for body _ . Javi has never believed the mumbo-jumbo, but he hasn’t had the heart to take it off. He picks at it now, running a finger over the round bead. It’s a nervous tick, he knows, but it soothes him all the same.

He can hear Laura’s sharp intake of breath.

“Javier. Is this about Yuzuru?”

Javi doesn’t respond, just bites his lip, eyes still fixed on his feet.

“Is it that surprising?” he whispers eventually.

Laura is silent for a few seconds. “No,” she then says. “I’ve always sort of wondered…” She trails off and reaches out to pat his thigh. “But it’s been a year, Javi. You haven’t even brought him up once since the Olympics. You used to talk about him constantly, you know. But since the Olympics, nothing, not even when you returned from Toronto for Europeans.”

“I know,” Javi says.

He can’t tell her the truth, of course. That he hasn’t talked of Yuzu because there is now so much more to tell. That he now has intimate knowledge of every inch of his skin, of the way he looks when orgasm hits him, the way his lips feel so perfectly soft under Javi’s. How could he talk of Yuzu when there is all this, all these marvelous things he has to keep secret. Mentioning Yuzu without telling everyone, in the same sentence, how much he yearns for him, would feel like an injustice.

“I thought maybe it would get easier with time,” Javi says instead because that is also true. “You know – out of sight, out of mind?”

Laura nods pensively. “And how does  _ he _ feel about all this?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” Javi admits. He can imagine, of course. He has imagined how the conversation could go countless times. And what could happen next.

“You don’t know?” Laura repeats, incredulous.

“We haven’t exactly talked about this. Our… feelings.”

“Javier.” Laura fixes him with a stare. “You’re telling me that you are considering ditching… everything,” she nods towards the ring, “on the off-chance that Yuzuru might want you by his side?”

Javi buries his face in his palms. It sounds so crazy and irrational, put like that. “I know it’s stupid. But I just – I don’t know what to do!”

Laura shakes her head. “I think the fact that you would give this up – Marina, the life you’ve started building, possibly your reputation if things come out in some unfortunate way… The fact that you would risk all that just to see if Yuzu might be a possibility…” Laura sighs. “Javi, don’t you think that’s answer enough?”

For a moment, Javi just sits there in quiet consternation. Then the tears come spilling out. All of him hurts. All of him has been hurting since the moment he first kissed Yuzu in the aftermath of the Olympics. Javi realizes that he had subconsciously known, even then, that there was no going back, that he could never have the life he had planned out for himself. Not after that, not  _ knowing _ what was right there, within arm’s reach, waiting for him. He sobs brokenly.

“Oh Javi.” Laura pats him on the back, running her hand up and down his spine. “You have to let her go,” she tells him softly and Javi nods, oddly relieved even as he continues weeping into Laura’s embrace.

*

Breaking Marina’s heart – even more than he already has – is one of the hardest things Javi has ever had to do in his life. She opens the door of her apartment with such bright-eyed hope that Javi almost wishes he didn’t have to do this. But he owes her that much. And doing this will be the final step on this journey Javi now realizes he’s been on for years. A journey that, hopefully, will lead him to happiness in the end.

She stares at him with such trepidation when he refuses the drink she offers him and starts speaking instead, before he loses his nerve. He doesn’t stop until he tells her the whole truth – or at least the gist of it, because she doesn’t need to know the details that would only hurt her further. When he’s done, her face is streaked with tears, her expression one of resignation.

“Goodbye, Javi,” she tells him as she opens the door for him.  

“I’m sorry,” he repeats one final time.

Marina shakes her head. “No, you are not.” When he starts to protest, she raises her hand to stop him. “You are miserable now and I believe you when you say that you didn’t want to hurt me. But I can see you.” Fresh tears well in her eyes. “Inside, you are practically glowing.”

Javi opens his mouth, then closes it without a word. She is not wrong.

“Goodbye,” she says once more and swiftly closes the door behind him the moment he shuffles out into the hallway.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi arrives to Saitama... and other places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the final chapter. Thank you SO MUCH, all of you who have stuck it out till the end, leaving me comments and kudos along the way. It really means the world to me and encourages me to write more! <3 I hope you enjoy this last bit.

It is different, watching Worlds from the sidelines for the first time. Funnily enough, it still makes Javi just as nervous. Or maybe it is not the competition at all that makes his stomach flutter as he sits in the arena, but rather the reality of what he knows is coming later. A wild thing is growing inside him, bright and warm and incandescent with all the emotion that he is now letting bubble to the surface, finally, after all these years of ignoring its slow simmer.

Javi aches for Yuzu, aches  _ with _ him, as Yuzu struggles through his short program and then makes a grand comeback in the free, only for it to still not be enough for gold. He aches and at the same time, he is bursting with pride because he knows how injured Yuzu is and how hard it always has been for him to skate in his home country. It was a spectacular showing, all things considered, and Javi wants to run to him and kiss him silly, tell him just how much he admires what he has put out there, comfort him.

But he also knows Yuzu and knows he will need time to overcome the frustration. Yuzu never accepts comfort or listens to reason until he has made his own peace with a result.

By the time the banquet finally rolls around, Javi is nearly quivering with impatience. He changes three times before the banquet and in the end ditches the suit he has brought for the occasion because he doesn’t have the patience to iron it or even tie a tie. He’s retired, so it doesn’t really matter so much what the officials will think of his torn jeans and soft sweater. It doesn’t really matter what anyone will think… anyone except the man he is here for.

The man Javi has flown in for, however, proves elusive during the banquet. It seems that regardless of the color of medal they had hung around Yuzu’s neck, everyone still wants a picture with him, a few minutes of his attention. Javi cannot blame them, but he finds himself wishing everyone would just disappear. Even the Cricket family, whom he loves dearly, becomes almost suffocating when Yuzu finally joins them, looking a little frayed around the edges but otherwise happy.

Javi wants to hold him and tell him everything, but a brief hug is all he has to content himself with for now. While Javi may not give a damn about what the officials think, this is Japan – everyone, every official, sponsor and chaperone, will be looking at Yuzu.  

“Can we talk later?” Javi manages to whisper against his ear before their hug ends. He’s smiling, afloat with the possibility of that  _ later _ , but there is a sliver of worry, too. Laura was right. They had never truly talked of their feelings.

Yuzu looks at him curiously when they part, a gentle, searching expression. Then he nods and smiles before Evgenia pulls him into the seat next to her.

*

_ Partypooper _, is what Gabby called Javi teasingly when he excused himself from their company, too early for everyone’s standard but particularly for his. Javi doesn’t care. Yuzu had smiled as they exchanged their goodnights and Javi is pretty sure his eyes were on his back the whole time as he made a beeline for the exit. It tingles pleasantly even now, the knowledge that they can still understand each other without a single word. 

It takes less time than Javi expected and there Yuzu is, standing at his door, his tie already loosened and his cheeks a little pink.

“Please come in,” Javi tells him and his voice trembles. He takes a calming breath. This is what he wanted, what he came here for.

“How are you?” he asks Yuzu once the door has closed. Yuzu shrugs out of his suit jacket and pulls the tie over his head, then proceeds to place both over the back of a chair. Like taking off his armor, Javi thinks. Yuzu’s shoulders look all soft and vulnerable in the white shirt that is still a tiny bit too big for him, as per usual.

Yuzu throws his arms wide, then lets them fall in a gesture that is almost comical. “Kuyashii,” he states simply, but then shrugs. “I will train harder.”

Javi laughs briefly. Of course he will, as if he wasn’t already working himself into exhaustion.

“You are amazing,” he says simply and finally allows himself to smile like a loon.

Yuzu bows his head. He’s never been very good at accepting compliments, especially when he doesn’t feel he truly deserves them. “Is difficult without you,” he then admits, again with the disarming honesty that always makes Javi’s world feel a little off-kilter.

Javi inhales. Time for some honesty from his side, too. “I want to be there for you,” Javi tells him. “I want to be –  _ with _ – you. I mean, properly.”

He watches Yuzu’s mouth part in surprise. He draws a small breath as if he was going to say something, but he doesn’t and instead just looks at Javi. Javi feels as if Yuzu can see all the way into his heart. It is still scary, intense, but Javi finds he isn’t afraid anymore.

“If you will let me, of course,” he goes on. “Please let me make you happy, Yuzu. Not just for one night, but… for however long you’ll have me.”

“Do you remember what I said? About winning?” Yuzu asks, inquiring, double-checking. Javi doesn’t blame him.

“Yes, Yuzu. I do. You’ve never been the  _ second choice _ . Always the first. Always the winner and the conqueror. I just… didn’t see it, I guess.” Javi shrugs his shoulders with a self-conscious smile.

“It took you long,” Yuzu states, but he is grinning now, a full-blown nose-crinkling smile that lodges in Javi’s heart and pulls him closer, closer, until his hands come to rest in their familiar spot on Yuzu’s waist.

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting,” he says earnestly.

Yuzu lets out a little chuckle. “Happiness comes at the end of painful road,” he says with a mock-serious expression.

Javi bursts out laughing. It feels good. He feels like he hasn’t laughed, truly laughed, in weeks.

“That one is bad, even for you, Yuzu. It sounds like something from Kung-Fu Panda.”

“Javi loves it,” Yuzu teases shamelessly, wrapping his arms around Javi’s neck.

“Javi does,” Javi admits, still laughing. “I do. I love it.” Then he takes a breath to steady himself. “I love you.”

Yuzu doesn’t say anything. He just kisses Javi, boldly and with such wild abandon that Javi feels his knees go weak. As he clasps his hands behind Yuzu’s back and pulls him flush against his body, he finally feels like he has arrived.

*

It feels different, this time around. Better.

He takes all the time in the world to kiss all over Yuzu’s body, explores every inch of skin, listens for every tremulous gasp and commits it to memory for next time. It makes Javi want to cry with happiness when he realizes that there will be a next time, and then a next, and a next.

He feels shaky and insecure but elated all the same when Yuzu allows him to spread him open with his fingers, smiling knowingly. Javi wonders if he’s remembering that time in PyeongChang, too, and how they both thought they would never have this again.

He loses himself in Yuzu, in the slow dance of their bodies moving together and in the erratic rhythm of heartbeats, breaths, and moans as they pick up the pace.

He marvels at the way Yuzu feels in his arms, shivering all over and eyes delirious with pleasure as he comes, just moments before Javi’s own climax.

And when they lie there entangled, breathless and spent, Javi realizes that this must be it. The happiness at the end of the road.

*

_ I will skate for you tomorrow _ , Yuzu had said last night in the wake of their love-making, a beatific smile on his face.  _ Watch me. _

Last night, Javi had thought he would never see anything more beautiful as he looked down at Yuzu in that moment – his kiss-swollen lips, the way his eyes shone in the dim light, the lingering sheen of sweat on his pearly skin.

He is forced to reconsider that now as he watches Yuzu take Saitama ice one last time.

Yuzu doesn’t skate. He  _ floats _ , a sakura petal carried by the wind. It’s spellbinding. And as Javi watches the small smile that blossoms on Yuzu’s face during the performance, an echo of the private one he gave Javi last night, he is grateful beyond words to be here, in this very moment. Somehow, despite everything, his heart has led him here, step by step, to this dawn of a new spring in his life. Home.

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks...  
> ... to Bea, for the mental support and uncovering all my typos, missed commas and other hiccups.  
> ... to Agnes, for the lovely detailed feedback that always made me feel better about writing this.  
> ... to Chachie, for cheerleading in the best of ways, always.  
> ... to Toby, for reading and screaming and cheering me on. 
> 
> You guys are the best and I couldn't have finished this without you! <3


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